Thursday, November 05, 2015

Going deeper

I'm feeling the pull, the gentle nudge to go deeper.

Sometimes in the pool of life I walk in the shallow end. 
I will admit to you honestly beloved reader I don't know how to swim.
But, I'm not talking about the physical here. 
If I were I would also admit,
I like the comfort of knowing that my feet can touch the bottom of the pool.
There is safety in that.

But, I'm not talking physical.
I'm talking spiritually.

 I feel the pull to go deeper, maybe even to dive in off that board without looking back or thinking twice about a bottom.

I feel the courage mounting.
The mustard seed of faith is growing.
I'm in that line to jump off that long board. 
I'm not worried or anxious about how deep I will go or how I will swim.
I'm just ready. 

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. 
Let me walk upon the water wherever you would lead me. "

Monday, October 26, 2015


When I look at this picture all I can think of is one word;


Ok maybe I was thinking of one word and one phrase; the word Balance mostly, but then also

                                                     THERE'S A TRAIN COMING!!

If a pictures really worth a thousand words then I would say this picture is the poster child for that quote. Also my eldest child, the one photographed here, the one who made me a mom for the first time... I'm pretty sure she would be the poster child for the world Balance. I have always said of Emma Faith, that she has the best self management skills I have ever seen. The kid got up in Jr. High early so she could watch the morning news.  She would sit with her cup of coffee and  find out what the weather was going to be for the day and dress accordingly. Who does that? I mean I'm sure some of that early morning rising came because she wanted to have a cup of coffee in the quiet before her siblings woke up, but still it was a very impressive, balanced thing to do for a young lady of 11 or 12.

When observing this photo shoot there were so many thoughts and emotions running through my brain. At this particular captured moment I was thinking...
In a matter of seconds she could've lost her balance and toppled over into the Truckee River and that would of been the end of this amazing photo shoot. The Lemaire Photo crew could've lost their balance and with very expensive cameras in hand, tragedy would ensue. Thank God that isn't what happened. They all kept their balance.


But then the train entered this beautiful picture and I started to think about the train of life that John Mayer sings about in his song; STOP THIS TRAIN.
I'm sure if she was ever going to get distracted and fall off that chair it would've been when the big, loud train came barreling by, but she kept on being focused. The photography team kept their cool as I stood with Emma's fan following (Grandma, and Aunties) off on the sidelines and prayed for more balance and more focus.
And I thought about how I CAN'T no matter how hard I try, I can't stop this train that is coming.
The train that ushers my oldest child into adulthood is going to be here this May and I can either get on board or stand by on the sidelines trying to figure out how to make it all stop.


It is so very easy in this life to get off balance. To let the loud trains that come as quite a surprise get you rattled and off your focus or determined purpose. I think that balance and purpose go hand in hand though. When you know your purpose in this life it takes more than a train or semi truck or tornado or .... Just about anything else under the sun to get you off track.
Her purpose and the Lemaire Photography crews purpose was to get some really awesome photos and NOT fall in the Truckee River.
My purpose for quite some time ... well almost 18 years now has been to be a good mom to 4 incredible people.
Just because one of those peoples will soon be 18 and technically a legal adult doesn't mean my role as mom is over.
It's never really over.


Often times though it isn't the loud trains in life that get us off balance it's the little suttle things that creep in and get bigger and bigger and before you know it you've lost your balance. You've let something else consume all your time, energy and passion and when you turn around you traveled down a road you never intended to be on.
I want to stay on the purposeful roads that God has given me in this life and I want to get on board the trains of life and not buck the system of Father Time.


In order to do this I'm learning. I'm paying very close attention to those that have gone before me. This is what I'm learning; the older I get to truly maintain balance in my life I have to let go of some things. I just can't possibly "do it all" and stay balanced. It's hard to let go. In fact I'd venture to say it's one of the hardest life lessons that I'm still learning. 


In regards to parenting it is THE hardest lesson to learn I'm convinced. There's a very good reason that the saying "if you love something let it go" is well known and speaks truth. It's because in order for our children to truly grow into healthly balanced young adults we have to let go of SO much. If we don't they rebel. It's not healthy to tighten the grip of control over our children right before they are expected to head out into the world and face decisions that will require them to use the only skill set they have been given. They will need to balance;  school, work, relationships, and God knows the social media department of life will need some extra hard core balance. 


We let go of expectations and preconceived notions.
So that they can forge their own path completely and utterly different than our own.
We let go of their physical prescense always being there as they drive away from us.
So that they will feel the difference of being surrounded and supported versus being alone and quiet.
We let go of our hopes and dreams as they come up with their own.


I'm finding that in order to keep a balance healthy relationship with my oldest daughter I have to let her go, and although my mom warned me that this would absolutely be the hardest part of parenting... I never thought that it would THIS hard. 

"Letting go helps us to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnessary stress."

So here's to letting go, getting on board, and finding balance in it all!

Friday, October 02, 2015

The Rhythms of Life

Rhythm, I'm not talking about the musical kind like keeping the beat of a song or having moves to a dance.
There is a rhythm to this life, as opposed to the musical rhythm.

Everyone has this kind of rhythm as opposed to musical rhythm which everyone does NOT have. 

 Life Rhythms are the soft quiet way we go about our day, week, month year.

Sometimes the rhythms of life can go by so quietly that we forget to look up and see how the world has changed.
Other times, our lives rhythm can be hi-jacked by tragedy and we never really find that beat again.
And still other times we can take on someone else's life rhythms and try to adopt them as our own, all the while we are dying inside.

The rhythm of a life looks different for everyone and takes everyone a certain amount of time to find what their true rhythm is.
Some are upbeat and always on the go and this feeds their soul.
Others life rhythm is much slower and requires much more down time.

I have realized after 40 years on this planet that mine is of the latter group.

Although I do ALOT I don't function well in that  "ALOT" category or rhythm section if you will.
It has taken me many years to realize this and to be ok with it. 
It's ok now for me to know that every week I need at least two days to regroup as opposed to the one day of Sabbath that every person on the planet really needs, but often denies themselves.

Finding your life's rhythm is somehow tied into finding your true authentic self.
Some people never truly find that person that they were always intended to be.
I believe finding your true self and life rhythm comes from slowing down long enough to hear the sound, the beat of your heart.
Asking yourself questions like;

What makes my heart sing?

That's a saying that my mom has said so many times I can almost hear her saying it now with her east coast accent. It's a good questions because it opens up all kinds of other answers.
What makes your heart sing can sometimes often lead you to your rhythm of life.

"When all the world appears to be in a tumult, and nature itself is feeling the assault of climate change, the seasons retain their essential rhythm. Yes, fall gives us a premonition of winter, but then, winter, will be forced to relent, once again, to the new beginnings of soft greens, longer light, and the sweet air of spring."

I want to retain my essential God given rhythm no matter what the seasons of change may bring, and the only way I know how to do that is to check back in again and again with the rhythm maker. 
The season changer.
The life giver.
The conductor if you will.
And of course by now your wondering what the point was to this lil here blog...
Well I really just needed more Gloria Estefan in my life!


Happy October!

Friday, September 25, 2015

The Human Faith Race

I'm not a runner.
Those of you who know me, know that I have never run a race in my life.
I can hardly stand to exercise let alone get up the gumption to run when no one is chasing me.
I did however, enter a half marathon almost 10 years ago now and I walked/jogged the whole thing with my 10 year old daughter, whom I might add, it was her bright idea to enter this marathon.

We were the last to arrive at the finish sign that had almost come down by then.
I lost a toenail.
But we finished the race.
I'm not a runner, but I have realized now more than ever before in my life that I am indeed in a race.
Some would venture to say we are all in a race, the Human Race, but that isn't the the only race I'm talking about.
I'm also talking about my faith race.
My very human, full of faith race.
It's a different kind of race because I'm not competing against anyone.
I'm not trying to look better than my neighbor and have more faith based "Good Works" that people can take note of.
I'm not trying to earn titles and have certificates that say I have more faith than you because I took this class, or I attend church several times a week.
Seriously, I could give a shit about that!!
I'm just trying to live in such a way that is worthy of my calling, and the best way I know how to do that is to simply, truly, authentically;
Love God
Love People
It's sounds so simple.
It sounds so easy.
But this human faith race is NOT easy my friends. 
There are times when I hang my head in sorrow because I don't understand why with our free will we choose to hurt one another instead of realizing we are on the same team.
We get caught up in silly things that at the end of this race won't even be on our radar let alone something we are still talking about.
These are the times when I want to stop running, not the faith part of the race because for me loyalty to Jesus the Lover of My Soul is easy.
He makes this race easy.
He even says;
"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light"
 "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"

No it's not that part of the race I want to sit down on, it's the human part. 
The love people part.
Loving people is hard.
Now dont' get me wrong I am a people lovin person through and through, or is it thru?
We are a broken concept if you will.
We were never supposed to function outside of being in relationship with our Creator, and so being broken we go around breaking more things.
It's messed up what we do to each other and ourselves sometimes.
And that's just the part of loving people that we can control.
Then there's the part that we can't control, like when tragedy happens and our reactions aren't always  what they should be.  
"Life does not have to be full of ease to reflect beauty. 
Some of the most beautiful faces in history have not had eyes to see, nor voices to move their lips, 
but have possessed peace and serenity that only faith could render."
But much like the quote says above some of the most amazing runners in this human faith race are those who have endured true hardships;  cancer, divorce, loss of a child, homes being burnt in a fire, children with disabilities, and so many more seemingly devastating things.
they are still running this race.
You can see it on the faces of those who have gone before you in these dark areas of life.
They are weathered in worn because they have been running for so very long, in the heat of the day, and 
they still shine.
There are so many who have gone before me in this race like it talks about in the book of Hebrews chapter 12.
"Therefore then... since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses"
My great grandparents, ran this human faith race.
My grandparents both ran this human faith race.
My parents are still running this human faith race.
And so for me it's a legacy of faith.
But for some you don't have that kind of lineage and to you I would say 
read Hebrews chapter 11 to find out what kind of human faith race you do have.
It gives me great courage and focus to realize that there are those going before me leading the way, 
and honestly it makes me want to stay in the race for the generations I will leave behind someday.
I'm not a runner ....
I want to be a runner who finishes this human faith race.

Monday, September 14, 2015


This past Sunday the passage of scripture that my community read thru was from John chapter 4. 
It is one of my all time favorite Bible stories, and certainly one of the most meaningful things that Jesus ever did while he was here on earth.
You might think that talking to a woman at a well pales in comparison to everything else he did while he was here, but you would be SO wrong.

Let me tell ya why you would be OH SO wrong.

 It is true, he did so many miracles while he was here.
Let me just list a few off the top of my head;

He fed thousands from one loaf of bread and a fish.

He raised Lazarus, one of his best buddy's who had been not "mostly dead" but DEAD, dead! He was stinky and wrapped in mummy attire for days, and with a word he came out and had a party with his sisters.

And then of course there was the whole raising himself from the dead and walking around, (not like "The Walking Dead") for 40 days as fully ALIVE and fully WELL.

This and so much more is why he has so many followers, and why ALOT of the world has come to know him as the One True LIVING God, but the stories like what I find in John chapter 4 are what draw me back to his feet in total, utter, love, and adoration. 
I think it's because this story speaks to the heart of every person who is broken and in need of true love.


Can you tell me of one person who isn't in NEED of true love?

The story in John chapter 4 is about a woman, who came to a water well to fill her empty bucket.
What she left with was not only a very full soul, but her eyes were opened to see the Lover of her Soul.

Her whole life she had been searching to fill this void that she had.
The bible says she tried to fill that void 5 times over,  with 5 different husbands, but nothing and no one could take the place that Jesus would.
She was broken.

Can you tell me one person who isn't broken ?

I absolutely love that every time I read this story I get something new from it.
There are angles and sides to every story we all know this to be true.
Ask any divorced couple to tell you their version of what went wrong and often times you get two completely different stories.
The same is true of the stories in scripture.

This is why I believe it is said in Hebrews that the scriptures are alive and active.
WE (with the help of the Holy Spirit) make them come alive when we read them and share them with others, because each of us see something different.

We question different things.

We interpret words and the meaning of those words different.
We have different passions and interests that cause us to see the world and all that is in it so differently.
I absolutely LOVE that about reading the bible with other people.

Did you know that is the way it was always intended to be read?

So this Sunday the angle on this scripture came from a bro in Christ named Matthew.
He talked about the significance of the fact that most Jews didn't even travel thru Samaria. 
They would take a different road that took them way outside of where they were trying to get to, all to avoid the town of Samaria. We are talking DAYS out of the way.

Most Jews thought of Samaria as the ghetto if you will, and would take great lengths to avoid passing thru there. The reason was because Samariatans had become front runners. They followed Judaism only when it benefited them, otherwise they went with the popular party at hand.
I had never really thought about how significant this road trip was for Jesus and his disciples until Matt broke it down like that and it gave a whole new angle to the story.

We all know that for Jesus to be speaking to a woman was unheard of for that day and age, but to have even traveled to Samaria was a bold move on his part. I'm sure the disciples begged and pleaded to go around the ghetto streets of Samaria, but the scriptures say, "He had to go".


Because he knew that not only was there going to be a conversation with a broken, thirsty woman at the well, but a whole town that he would proceed to hang out in for 2 whole days would come to know the LOVE of God in a way that they had never experienced before.

And that is why this story is significant, beyond what may appear to be just a simple conversation.

Jesus was breaking down prejudices.
Jesus was establishing a kingdom with a foundation built on nothing less than love.
Jesus wouldn't be persuaded to take a different path.

His way, is THE only way, and that is the Way of LOVE.
Above all titles, genders, races, ....
If anyone tells you different they are preaching a different gospel.

Jesus the Lover of My Soul.
Jesus the Lover of her Soul.
Jesus the Lover of EVERY Soul.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Life Is ...

Life is so surprising.

Today while driving around Reno Nevada in my 1966 Vw Bug that I have fondly named Lucy Blue, I had this surprising feeling that 
I am home.
I never in a million years would have ever thought that moving back to Nevada 2 years ago I would feel this way, but today it was like a wave of warm water washing over me, saying you are home.

I am a Native Nevadan, born at Barton Memorial Hospital in South Lake Tahoe some 40 years ago, but I have never felt like Nevada was home to me.
I always had dreams of going here, there, and everywhere... really just anywhere but here.
I was constantly dissin on Nevada like it was nobodies biz-niz.
I made Nevada-hatin my hobby!!

So it's no surprise that when I came of age I had plans to get the heck outta here.
 When I was a Senior in High School I was set to go to Azusa Pacific University. I had scholarships, I had an acceptance letter, I was all but walking out the door when the wind of change started to mess with my heart. 
Or... some might say the Holy Spirit changed my heart.
For reasons that my 18 year old brain made logical, I stayed in Nevada and opted to go to the local community college.

Life is so strange.

Had I gone onto pursue dreams elsewhere I would have never fallen in love with My Giant and our 21 year love story, that now includes 4 amazing people, would not be what it is today.
Still, I had the bug to live anywhere but here and so did my Giant so in 2009 when financial disaster came knocking on our front door by the name of Bank of America we said see ya Nevada, or some might say...
Peace Out Brown Town!!
We headed up to a lush green oasis.
No wait... we moved into a tiny little cabin in the woods of Washington and by tiny I mean 800 square feet of small. 
6 people, and 1 bathroom an oasis it was not.
 By outsiders looking in I'm sure we seemed crazy, but to our family and at that time it was exactly what we needed to heal.

Life is so beautiful.

We spent almost 4 years up there in Redmond Washington and I honestly felt as though I was in my forever home. 
I never wanted to leave the PNW.
I loved the rain.
I came alive when it was overcast and cloudy.
I breathed Oh So Deep the smells, the colors, the sights, the sounds, meanwhile My Giant was dying.
Literally his physical body working the job that we needed him to work to live up there was killing him.
Something had to change.

Life is so miraculous.

It was around that time that a beloved friend of ours started to contact My Giant about a business adventure.
I will admit I wasn't happy about these conversations.
But, I would be lying if I said that I didn't see the sparkle in my Giants eyes when he would talk to this friend. 
I began to feel those winds of change again.

Life is so funny.

We took the leap of faith and moved back.
I wasn't happy about it, but I knew somehow deep down in my knower that it was the absolute right thing to do.
And now 2 years later a wave of confirmation came over me that I can't deny.
I am home.
It might not be for forever.
Obviously as a Christ follower I am HOMESICK for my eternal home.
Nevada may very well be our hallway to another place.
But for now it is exactly where we are supposed to be and it feels pretty damn good.


**It could have been that it was rainy and that always makes me feel like I'm home, but I'm gonna go with what I know and that is that God has done a work and changed my heart about Nevada. 
I'm so glad He's not done working.
Now it's your turn;
 Life is... 

Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Goodnight Dear Void

Y a w n...

I haven't been up this early in quite some time.
I woke with so much on my mind and you beloved reader were the remedy.

Sometimes it just feels good to put things out there in the void that is known as the internet.

It reminds of me of You've Got Mail when Kathleen Kelly says, "I don't really want an answer... I Just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So goodnight dear void"  

That was back in the day when inter-webs were so brand new and you literally did put your thoughts out there in the void of the world wide web.

Now we have places, homes, 
appropriate social media boxes to put these thoughts or pictures in.

You've got twitter for an ever so brief thought.
Instagram for the quick pic on the go of your life.
Facebook that's just like one big party 24/7.
And of course Blogspot where I have spent a good portion of my life speaking to you beloved reader. 
Did you know that my blog will be 10 years old this August?
It's true.
That's a lot of conversations,story telling, and random thoughts that I've had with you beloved reader.

I bet by now you might be wondering what woke me up around 4a.m.?
I'm kind of wondering the same thing myself.
It started I think with a bad day at work and then my mind just wouldn't, couldn't shut off.

Do you ever have early mornings like this?
Maybe you are having one right now with me.
If so thanks for keeping me company.

I have no real point or moral to this story/blog ...
just wanted to say that I'm glad you are here, oh and I wanted to share that awesome picture with you. 
I took that on my Instagram
Shhh.... don't tell Blogspot,
 but I tend to spend more time over there now. 

Goodnight... or actually Good Morning dear void.
Thanks for listening. 

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