Thursday, July 30, 2015

Life Is ...

Life is so surprising.

Today while driving around Reno Nevada in my 1966 Vw Bug that I have fondly named Lucy Blue, I had this surprising feeling that 
I am home.
I never in a million years would have ever thought that moving back to Nevada 2 years ago I would feel this way, but today it was like a wave of warm water washing over me, saying you are home.

I am a Native Nevadan, born at Barton Memorial Hospital in South Lake Tahoe some 40 years ago, but I have never felt like Nevada was home to me.
I always had dreams of going here, there, and everywhere... really just anywhere but here.
I was constantly dissin on Nevada like it was nobodies biz-niz.
I made Nevada-hatin my hobby!!

So it's no surprise that when I came of age I had plans to get the heck outta here.
 When I was a Senior in High School I was set to go to Azusa Pacific University. I had scholarships, I had an acceptance letter, I was all but walking out the door when the wind of change started to mess with my heart. 
Or... some might say the Holy Spirit changed my heart.
For reasons that my 18 year old brain made logical, I stayed in Nevada and opted to go to the local community college.

Life is so strange.

Had I gone onto pursue dreams elsewhere I would have never fallen in love with My Giant and our 21 year love story, that now includes 4 amazing people, would not be what it is today.
Still, I had the bug to live anywhere but here and so did my Giant so in 2009 when financial disaster came knocking on our front door by the name of Bank of America we said see ya Nevada, or some might say...
Peace Out Brown Town!!
We headed up to a lush green oasis.
No wait... we moved into a tiny little cabin in the woods of Washington and by tiny I mean 800 square feet of small. 
6 people, and 1 bathroom an oasis it was not.
 By outsiders looking in I'm sure we seemed crazy, but to our family and at that time it was exactly what we needed to heal.

Life is so beautiful.

We spent almost 4 years up there in Redmond Washington and I honestly felt as though I was in my forever home. 
I never wanted to leave the PNW.
I loved the rain.
I came alive when it was overcast and cloudy.
I breathed Oh So Deep the smells, the colors, the sights, the sounds, meanwhile My Giant was dying.
Literally his physical body working the job that we needed him to work to live up there was killing him.
Something had to change.


Life is so miraculous.

It was around that time that a beloved friend of ours started to contact My Giant about a business adventure.
I will admit I wasn't happy about these conversations.
But, I would be lying if I said that I didn't see the sparkle in my Giants eyes when he would talk to this friend. 
I began to feel those winds of change again.

Life is so funny.

We took the leap of faith and moved back.
I wasn't happy about it, but I knew somehow deep down in my knower that it was the absolute right thing to do.
And now 2 years later a wave of confirmation came over me that I can't deny.
I am home.
It might not be for forever.
Obviously as a Christ follower I am HOMESICK for my eternal home.
Nevada may very well be our hallway to another place.
But for now it is exactly where we are supposed to be and it feels pretty damn good.

P.S.

**It could have been that it was rainy and that always makes me feel like I'm home, but I'm gonna go with what I know and that is that God has done a work and changed my heart about Nevada. 
I'm so glad He's not done working.
Now it's your turn;
 
 Life is... 

Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Goodnight Dear Void



Y a w n...

I haven't been up this early in quite some time.
I woke with so much on my mind and you beloved reader were the remedy.

Sometimes it just feels good to put things out there in the void that is known as the internet.

It reminds of me of You've Got Mail when Kathleen Kelly says, "I don't really want an answer... I Just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So goodnight dear void"  

That was back in the day when inter-webs were so brand new and you literally did put your thoughts out there in the void of the world wide web.

Now we have places, homes, 
appropriate social media boxes to put these thoughts or pictures in.

You've got twitter for an ever so brief thought.
Instagram for the quick pic on the go of your life.
Facebook that's just like one big party 24/7.
And of course Blogspot where I have spent a good portion of my life speaking to you beloved reader. 
Did you know that my blog will be 10 years old this August?
It's true.
That's a lot of conversations,story telling, and random thoughts that I've had with you beloved reader.

I bet by now you might be wondering what woke me up around 4a.m.?
I'm kind of wondering the same thing myself.
It started I think with a bad day at work and then my mind just wouldn't, couldn't shut off.

Do you ever have early mornings like this?
Maybe you are having one right now with me.
If so thanks for keeping me company.

I have no real point or moral to this story/blog ...
just wanted to say that I'm glad you are here, oh and I wanted to share that awesome picture with you. 
I took that on my Instagram
Shhh.... don't tell Blogspot,
 but I tend to spend more time over there now. 

Goodnight... or actually Good Morning dear void.
Thanks for listening. 

Thursday, July 02, 2015

20 years

Last month on June 3rd we turned 20 years old.



20 years is literally a life time.
We looked SO very different 20 years ago. 
I was only 20 years old when we got married, and My Giant was 22.
Now in our 40s it seems a lifetime ago and at the same time like only yesterday.




We spent our anniversary going up the coast of Hwy 101 in our VW bus.
This was a bucket list dream come true for us, and around every corner we were reminded that our story is HIS story and that from start to finish HE (the lover of our souls) has been binding us together in this 3 stranded cord of beauty.


I remember the first time I saw him.
I will never forget that moment as long as I live.
It really was love or lust at first sight for this girl.
I'm gonna go with lust because I had no idea what love was at 15 years old.
Yea, purty sure it was lust but not the kind that is tainted by the world.
The innocent school girl crush kinda lust.
I haven't stopped lusting over this beautiful man who can paint a picture that should be hung in an art museum as well as build a beautiful cabin in the woods with a porch to sit and watch the world go by.
He is just a man, but in a world when so many men have been weighed, measured, and found wanting ... 
He is a MIGTHY GOOD MAN!
For those of  you who want to read  more on our beginnings, the whole long lust/love story that really is a good one if I don't say so myself, you can go here : Hashtag MoNoSco
But for today I want to talk a bit about what 20 years have looked like and I'm not going to leave out the nitty gritty stuff that we know all marriages are made of.
Before I let you in to this most treasured corner of my heart and life beloved reader, know this; There are moments that I will never share with you because they are sacred. 
In every life there should be moments that are kept under what the Jewish Rabbi would call the Chuppah !!
This was and is a symbol that goes way back that signifies a set apartness from the rest of the maddening world. The couple stands under the Chuppah to declare to the rest of the world that this union is set apart and only they will know what goes on under the covering of the Chuppah.
I love this tradition and have adopted it in my own marriage even though I'm not Jewish I recognize the value in this beloved act.
There are moments of this relationship that I will never share with my best friends, mom, sisters, or anyone else who is trying to weasel there way into this most sacred spot.
That being said, I will share with you that these past 20 years have not all been filled with wine and roses. 
There have been moments of total sadness, disappointment, frustration, anger, irritation and full on close to hate. 
I can't say that I've ever hated Moses, but I have come close to feeling that scary disconnect with him and it's in these moments we have looked for help.
It is also in those moments that I know the grace of God was/is at hand because neither one of us is opposed to being open about the fact that we have needed help.

We started our marriage with pre-marriage counseling and in the 20 plus years we've been together
we have gone to counseling a couple of times, and I'm sure that we probably will go again.
I'm beyond grateful that we both have been willing to be honest about that.
I think it's SO important to realize in a relationship when you need help and don't be ashamed to get it. 
Honestly, I don't know a single solitary couple who hasn't needed some kind of outside help to keep their marriage on a healthy path.

Why we don't recognize and celebrate the counseling as much as we celebrate the anniversaries and Valentine's Days I will never know, because to me that's when the real intimacy takes place. 
 
So there is some of our nitty gritty.
Now on to the mushy gushy.
This is the part that everyone loves to read about, myself included.
This is the part where I tell you when we had our first child, Emma I fell more in love with My Giant who was weepy over the sight of his brand new baby girl.
This is the part where I tell you that not only do I love this man because he has fathered 4 children, but he has truly been an inspiration to me in many ways with how he takes the time to sit and have deep talks with our 4 kids.

This is the part where I tell you that sometimes when he gets dressed in the morning and he comes out looking all HOT and stuff, my little heart still goes pitter-patter!
I love that he makes me breakfast on a regular basis.
He makes me laugh so hard that I almost pee my pants on a daily basis. 
Those are just some of the good things that I choose to stay focused on when we hit those rough patches.
I know you've heard this and if you haven't then I'm happy to be the first place you read it, but 

LOVE REALLY IS A CHOICE
I don't disagree with my mom often, if ever, but this is one of those times that after all these years I can honestly say that when she has said for years
"You can't tell the heart who to love"
I would have to disagree.

YOU absolutely can tell the heart who to love and you have to tell it again and again and again!
Moses was my high school girls crush 24 years ago and he became my life's choice 21 years ago 
and
I'm choosing him again.
I'm telling this heart who to love and continue to love well.

It may have been lust all those years ago but it has grown into this beautiful thing.
This amazing, wonderful, astounding thing called 
LOVE.

And after all these years I'm beyond grateful that he is still my favorite, and that our love story is still ongoing, and I'm still a lusty hot mess over here for that man !!

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Count it ALL Joy (pt 2)

I was sitting here eating a banana this morning reading with the She Reads Truth gang about the fruit of the Spirit and I had me some thoughts. 
I would love to share them with you beloved reader, and I apologize in advance if none of it makes sense because I'm only on my first cup of coffee. 


The past few weeks have been a heavy flow of one sad, depressing, rough and tough love song for those around me that I hold near and dear.
 
Although my home has only been plagued with your garden variety of hardships, nothing has quite come even remotely close to the difficult things that have been circling around me.
I'm not one who can hear about your sadness and move on my merry way.
Some can, and God bless them because they are the folk that keep the world spinning around, but this girl carries with her the sadness like a catchy tune that just lingers day after day.
It's the only thing that I can think about.

So it seems strange to me that I would sit here and feel compelled to write some more on the topic of JOY, but in my reading this morning I came across this ;

"In your presence there is fullness of JOY" Ps 16:11
 
For some reason this just jumped off the page and reminded me that the JOY of the LORD is my strength. It's not something you can conjure up or create. 
This joy, that is "of the Lord" 
*(sorry that just made me think of the movie Nacho Libre and  "these are the Lord's chips"  quote... I feel like every time I mention "the joy of THE LORD" for this blog we should say it in a Nacho Libre accent)
Ok so this JOY "of the Lord" is not like taking a happy pill or going around singing that happy song that asks you to clap along, even though I do love that song and usually clap along.
 
Its something completely different than the emotion of happy. 

The joy "of the Lord" is almost like a character trait that comes only from being in the Lover of your Souls presence. 
It's not my joy.
Its not a fake happy.
It's a state of being that never leaves.

You can be going through just about anything and still not be in the "depths of despair" as Anne of Green Gables would say, because you know deep down in your knower that everything really will be ok.

That's not to say that I don't still have a heavy heart for the very difficult things that are going on around me. I can also grieve and cry and feel sadness, but those aren't the constant in my life. Because I have learned a very long time ago that with this particular kind of genetic make up... the kind that would be described as;
*Wearing your heart on your sleeve
*Being overly sensitive
*Having a Sentimental heart
it is best not to ignore the tune, but rather to dive deep into the pain, and then sing it to the lover of my soul.

Because as I sing the sad love song, the song that He has felt so much more than I can imagine He listens and then carries on.
His hands are strong and able to heal much better.
His heart is unbreakable and much bigger than mine.
His eyes never slumber nor sleep.
He is always mindful of his creation and knows best how to comfort them all. 
So I leave the sadness with him and he replaces it with JOY, that then becomes my strength. 


"Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren and sisteren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.
Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.

Friday, May 01, 2015

Count it ALL Joy!




This lil gem was in my draft section and I blew the dust off because I needed the reminder maybe you do too ? 


I've been thinking about this scripture;

"Consider it all joy my brethren (or sisterhood) when you encounter various trials"
Have you heard these words from the book of James before?
You can find them in the very first chapter of the book of James in the bible.
It's hard to believe that this is what James, Jesus' brother wrote in the very beginning of his book.
It was like right off the bat he wants you to know, he's not gonna be the book you go to, to feel cozy and warm.
He didn't mess around that James dude!
As a writer you look for the opening statement that is grab your reader and keep them reader, I'd say James was a pretty damn good writer wouldn't you?

"Consider it all joy my brethren (or sisterhood) when you encounter various trials"

Ok maybe he doesn't have the sisterhood bit in there, but I'm sure that was just an oversight, I won't hold that against him will you?

The past few weeks I feel as though I have had me some trials!
I have heard me some trials from beloved friends!
They aren't the kind that are 3rd world trials by any means, but none the less they have been challenging to me and to those I love deeply. 
And whenever I go through tough times personally, or just from hearing of the variety of trials around me I always think to myself...
That James must have been on CRACK cause JOY is the last thing I think of when I'm having a bad day, week, month, YEAR!!
I mean no disrespect, but I wonder if anyone else can relate here?


I mean, if you take the word 
TRIAL
and then the word
JOY
they just don't seem like they would be best friends, do they?

Know what I'm sayin'? 
So, then I wonder what do trials and joy have any business doing together in the same sentence?

I think that might be a rhetorical question, but then again maybe not because I'm going to try and answer it too.

In the past few weeks I have asked for prayers for myself from "the sisterhood" about oh... I dunno... umpteen times. 
I felt kinda like a rug. 
Beaten and shaken out to dry!
But, in the midst of these couple of rough weeks I realized that something deeper was happening and if I could just make it to the finish line(or to the coffee pot) I would be o.k. 

And, I can honestly say, that is why ... Today, I had myself a GREAT day!!
I made it to the other side of FUNK mountain and I came out singing.
The light at the end of this tunnel of FUNK was so bright it almost blinded me today.
As I walked around with a song on my lips and a spring in my step I just thought... 
Here is where Joy and Trials go hand in hand. 
Because the truth of the matter beloved reader is that there may pain in the night but joy really does come in the morning when you just hold on for dear life to the Anchor, Creator, Giver, Savior, and Healer. 




Thursday, April 30, 2015

Bullet Point Rambles Update

I haven't really had a lot of time for blogging, and you can't imagine the dust that occurred here while I've been gone.
Not only is there dust on my computer but all over my house as well.
 
Sigh. 
I think the only thing that doesn't have dust on it these days are my window blinds that my son Solomon was paid quite handsomely to clean. 

It has come to this.

Paying my children to do my chores, or are they solely my chores now that I'm not a "stay at home" momma anymore?
Well, either way I'm happy to pay someone, anyone, to get this place in order... but then that paycheck doesn't really seem to last very long. 
Double sigh.
What's a girl to do?
If you have that answer please leave your wisdom and insight in the box marked comments below.


That's me, at work, working hard!

This is just one of the musings that have been kicking around in my brain as of late, but nothing of real substance.

I have however been having some random thoughts and ideas about life in general, but don't expect anything profound here. 
If you are looking for inspiration this might not be the blog post for ya. 
Here's another random thought;
The battery charge red zone on my phone.
It starts with the warning 
"20% battery remaing"
To which I normally just dismiss, and I think eh... I have some time.
When it gets to the 10% warning I start to kind of get worried if I'm out and about and not near a charger.
And when I'm down to 5% or less I go into full on anxiety attacks!! 
O.k. that might be a bit dramatic but I start to freak a little I'm not gonna lie.

So this past week, I was grocery shopping no time to stop and in total go mode and my battery got pretty darn low, and I had this thought ...
I act as though my phone is a person.
That if it dies, it won't come back to me.
That the world will stop and the tragedies that could occur while having a dead phone are too many to mention.
And well, this just really bothered me.
I began to think about the days before cell phones.
Do you even remember those days?
Tell me your thoughts on this beloved readers?
How do you react to a low battery?
Do you freak out like it's a person dying or are you cool as a cucumber about it all?

That random thought might be a sign that I need to unplug a bit more.



And now for a personal update;

My brother got married this weekend.
 
I think I still might be in shock.
I remember this pesky lil boy who would drive me nutts pretty much on a regular basis, as all little brothers do.
 
And now he's married to a beautiful woman who I can officially say I'm happy to call sister. 
I love them both.

They will continue to make a great team.
And I can hardly wait for some lil nieces and nephews... thee hee hee!!
Following in Grandma Ellen's footsteps there ;)




And finally the last topic that's been rolling around in my brain is the fact that since I've turned 40 I have gone on this kind of inward strike and I'm unconsciously boycotting all traditions that I used to hold so near and dear to my heart.

It's not totally even a strike as much as it is just an attitude.
Well, see, even attitude sounds too harsh.
It's more like my new favorite sentiment toward life right now,
Meh!
I'm not sure why I feel this way about the traditions that used to be oh so important to me, but if I figure it out I'll let you know.

Meh!

Before you go getting all hot and bothered that I won't have the traditional Pie Party in November... simmer down
I will forever be A Girl for all Seasons
What up Grease 2 circa 1989 ;)
It's a passing phase I can tell you that much.

That's really all I've got for now folks.
That and Happy almost May 1st!!

Monday, February 09, 2015

Velveteen Rabbit, Billy Ocean, and A New Tattoo (trust me I'm going to make this work)



“You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

- Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit


Yesterday afternoon my oldest daughter and her choir put on a concert for a 90 year old woman who has been an active influence in the world of art and music here in Reno for over 50 years. It was an awesome event to celebrate her life and while I watched her play on stage with the other band members I started to think about the above quote.
I absolutely love the above quote. 
It really applies to life as a human being as well as life as a Velveteen Rabbit.
I miss the days of reading the Velveteen Rabbit, but when I was a child I never even knew the depth of this quote.
One of the main reasons I love that quote is because it reminds me that life is a process. There is no final, or test that you take to say you have graduated, or you have now become who you are going to be. 
You just become.
It really does take a very long time to become.
In watching the 90 year old woman last night I thought to myself, not even this lady has become.
She still has more memories to make and more lessons to learn, although it seems hard to believe but I bet if you asked her she would tell you that it's true.
You never stop learning.
You never stop becoming.
 It really does take a long time to become.
Upon turning 40 years old I thought if a person was ever going to be done with the whole becoming process it should be about half way through this life don't cha think? 
But no, as it turns out, it's really not even close.
I mean, sure it's closer than it was when I turned 20 but still so much more becoming is needed.
I look at older ladies in my life and see how secure they are in their skin and how confident their voices are and  I think I want that even more than I have it now, but I'm pretty sure its wrapped up in... you guessed it... more becoming.
It really does take a long time to become.
I don't want to be one that breaks easily either. 
There's a scripture in Proverbs that says, 
 "If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small." 
This scripture has always reminded me of that old Billy Ocean song, When the going gets tough the tough get going!
I think we should listen to that song and have a little dance party at the end ... 
What do you say, who's with me?
Let's get back on topic for now though... 
The wisdom in that proverb is that in this life there are going to be days, weeks, maybe even months or quite possibly years of adversity but that is when we have to push through and keep looking up, or  work on those tough muscles or get going like Billy says!
Speaking of looking UP, this past Friday I finally got Carl here, from the Disney movie UP tattooed on my inner arm.
Can you say OUCH!!
He (Carl) is a perfect example of this becoming business.
He thought when his wife died his becoming was over... but OH what joy awaited him when he started to become someone else, someone he always wanted to be.
I'm going to move on because even just thinking about that movie gets me weepy.
(Because remember when Isaiah turned 5 and had an UP themed bday party?)
I'll be honest, one of the reasons that scripture has always stood out to me is because I don't like adversity. I don't do hard or complicated or tough very well. 
I like happy, sunny, champaign wishes and caviar dreams, (only minus the caviar... bleh!)
But real life is not like that. 
We have to go through the bad that makes the good that much more betta!
It really does take a long time to become.

And let's talk about sharp edges. 
Have you ever noticed those grumpy old people with so many edges it's hard to be the same room with them?
Kinda like Carl before he met Russell.
Don't cha just love that Russell kid?
Oh wait, sorry I keep getting distracted all I know is that
I don't want to become... like that.
I know for me there is still so much more life ahead and rather than being worn out and leathered by the storms of life that come my way I want to be like a fine wine that only gets better, not the kind that turns to vinegar.
So that being said, let's become well together and don't forget to DANCE!!

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